I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I wasn't aware that the Supreme Court was considering the Defense of Marriage Act until I started seeing all of the red equals signs on facebook.
I think this is a good indication that I need to start getting some sort of
newspaper delivered. I used to get my
news from NPR on my morning and afternoon commutes, and for the first few years
after having kids I could still stay in the loop that way. But now that Eden’s old enough to pick out
words like “killed” and “bomb” and ask a ton of questions I unfortunately can’t
listen to news radio anymore.
I think it’s interesting how facebook is used during times
like these. No doubt, the Court’s
decision is important and momentous and matters. But it seems that much of the virtual “conversation”
surrounding the issue is angry and hurtful and unproductive. I wonder, how many people are talking about this
issue face-to-face? Have virtual debates
taken the place of personal conversations?
My guess is that the virtual argument – because it’s full of polarity,
anger, and fear – discourages face-to-face conversation.
I recently was rereading one of my all-time favorite books,
Nonviolent Communication. I have to read
it, along with about 4 other books, once every couple of years because it
speaks truth and I am so stubborn that I can’t seem to absorb it into my
life. In case you’re not familiar, the
basic steps in the process of nonviolent communication (or NVC) are
1. Observe without judgment the actions that are affecting
me.
2. Identify my feeling in response to what I observe.
3. Determine my need, value, desire that creates my feelings.
2. Identify my feeling in response to what I observe.
3. Determine my need, value, desire that creates my feelings.
4. Decide what concrete action I can request in order to enrich
my life.
The goal is to use this communication style to both express
our own feelings/needs and to receive the feelings/needs of others. The end result is to meet needs and enrich
lives rather than place blame and foster resentment. Yes, it’s very hippy and psychobabbly, but
also productive and helpful. The author
has had amazing results using this process with the most vitriolic and volatile
conflicts in the world (think Palestinians and Israelis, for example).
I suck at this. My
natural style of communication is violent communication (or VC):
1. Observe what someone else did that was wrong.
2. Shame you because you made me feel bad.
3. Lament that you will never change.
4. Reserve my right to complain forever about what you just did or said.
2. Shame you because you made me feel bad.
3. Lament that you will never change.
4. Reserve my right to complain forever about what you just did or said.
My guess is that my struggle to incorporate NVC into my life
consistently is not because I’m an immature, mean, and spiteful person. My guess is that it’s because I haven’t
learned yet to be okay with who I am enough that I can let other people be
radically different from me. And I haven’t
learned yet that it’s okay to have needs and be vulnerable enough to express
them. And I haven’t learned yet to give
myself grace when I am hurtful, so I don’t give that grace to others.
Maybe other people are like me in that.
I am in a politically diverse marriage (you like my politically correct language?). We are one partially red, one partially blue, and together some shade of purple. It’s hard to scream obscenities at and stereotype your political counterpart when you are married to them. You know them too well to stereotype, and you also know you’d better be careful because you’re going to be living under the same roof for the rest of your life.
Maybe we should all pretend to be married to those political
counterparts we engage with on this issue of gay marriage. Or maybe some nonviolent communication would
help. Either way, I think we would do
well to remember that whether we’re looking at an equals sign or a photo,
behind it is a real, complex, feeling human being.
I know, it’s hard. I
know, with what some people are posting, it’s easy to think that there is no
feeling human being behind it. But there
is. “Those people” may be completely
disconnected from the effects of their words, and the feelings and needs of
others. If that’s the case, they are likely
equally disconnected from their own feelings and needs. Shame begets shame. Hurt begets hurt.
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