Thursday, January 31, 2013

Things That Make Me Feel Like Less Of A Failure

But first, why these things are necessary. 

I fancy myself a girl scout, although I never made it out of brownies, or daisies or cookies or whatever.  I like to be independent and do things the right way (read, hard way) and don’t need any man to do it for me.  (Unless it has to do with a car or ants, but I digress.)

I learned how to make a one-match fire at girls only summer camp out of grapevine, twigs, leaves, and dead branches.  I got pretty good at it, if I’m remembering right.  But somehow in the last 23 years, that skill has gone dormant. 

Now, when I attempt a fire in our fireplace, it blazes high and hot for all of 60 seconds, when it peters out to nothing and the kids say, “Mama, it’s all done now.  Why is it done?  Can you get it to go longer?”  I imagine myself replying, “It’s done because I SUCK at fire building.  Because all that burned was paper and the kindling.  And no, I’m done with fires FOREVER.” 

#1.  Duraflame.  Magic fire that lasts for at least 5 minutes.  Actually, for 3 hours and the package tells me that it’s even better for the environment than burning real wood and the package wouldn’t lie! 

#2.  Instant brown rice.  Because no matter how long I cook regular brown rice, it never gets past that chewy consistency, when you occasionally bite into a piece that feels like it was never touched by water.  And because cooking regular brown rice takes approximately 90 minutes or something, and I don’t plan ahead that much. 

#3.  Recipes with pictures.  Because they’re automatically shorter and make the whole thing look more manageable and fun.  My all-time favorite recipe with pictures is this one from The Vegan Stoner blog.  Goes well with #2. 

#4.  Jesus.  Bwahaha.  Just had to put the Sunday School answer in there. Seen this?

#5.  Farmers Markets.  Well, this one could go either way.  I’ve accepted the fact that I’m a terrible gardener, so I like being able to get good quality, local produce without watching plants die, or never grow in the first place, in my backyard.  Seriously, what kind of mutant tomato goes from green to brown?  Mine.  That’s what kind. 

#6.  Red-eye reduction.  Because it's just plain disturbing to think you captured a cute moment of your little girl looking at her reflection and then you see this: 

"hehe, look at my funny eyes!"

#7.  Gas tank low level indicator light thingy.  One time I was driving my old Buick LeSabre (I think…again, not too good with the cars) and ran out of gas on I-76.  I hitched a ride with a nice man in a pickup, who took me to get gas at the nearest exit and took me back to my car safely.  I had a good feeling about him, which is why I accepted his offer of help.  Kasey thinks this was a severe lapse in judgment and rolls his eyes when I say words like “intuition.”  He logically points out that if kind stranger was nice enough to drive pretty lady to the gas station, kind stranger should have been nice enough to do it by himself and leave pretty lady safely in the car waiting.  But pretty lady thinks it would have been pretty rude to ask kind stranger to do that.  Thanks to the light thingy, this argument is less likely to come up again in the future. 

How about you?  Got anything to add to the list?  J


picturingtheordinary said...

Sliced or shredded cheese is a big one for me. Every time I buy a block of cheese, I get mad that I bought a block of cheese. I know it isn't that hard to pull out the food processor and shred it, but it's one more thing to wash.

Jamie said...

So true. I never plan the time for cheese shredding, either.